Saturday, February 23, 2013

How do you know he's a witch?

Preface

I recently read a blog post by Andrew Hall about the recent controversy surrounding DC Comics' hiring of Orson Scott Card as a writer for a chapter in their new Superman anthology.

Apparently, Card's political history is sufficiently deviant to have drawn the ire of activist group All Out, which has launched an online petition with roughly the following phrasing:

To: DC Comics

By hiring Orson Scott Card despite his anti-American efforts you are giving him a new platform and supporting his hate.

Make sure your brand stands for love and drop Orson Scott Card now.
As a writer, I am either a) 100% committed to keeping degenerate writers out of work or b) prepared to take the Fifth Amendment. But before I join the other 15,000 signatories to the petition, I need to know: is Orson Scott Card really a witch?

Intro to Witchology 

Before we turn to the question of what Mr. Card is, we need to determine what a witch is. Let's consider four characteristics of American communists and communist-sympathizers in the 1950s as a window into the behavior of witches in any era.

1) In the 1950s, communists were teaching that America's bourgeois government had violated the social contract and needed fundamental change.
In any age, a witch stands against the basic assumptions of the virtuous group's social vision.

2) Many individual American communists may not have actually believed in violent revolution, but the rhetoric of communism was certainly confrontational. And in many other countries, it had led to significant levels of violence and oppression against capitalists. Probably including people American leaders had personally known and associated with.
In any age, a witch evokes very real memories of persecution and fear.

3) McCarthyists were not known for seeking out nuance in degrees of communist affiliation and participation or to detail an individual's specific ideological vision. Their project was to assemble a small critical mass of evidence/testimony to show communist infection, not to weigh a person's whole life and work.
 In an age, even a drop of Satan's blood is enough to make someone a witch.

4) In McCarthyism, the fight against evil was external rather than internal. The greatest moral act was not searching for the evil in one's self, but rather identifying and opposing the creeping evil in one's society.
In any age, it is seen as an act of virtue to expose and isolate a witch.

The Trial

With these four principles in mind, let's return to the case of Mr. Card.

Rule #1: A witch stands against the basic assumptions of the virtuous group's social vision.

Card is definitely guilty here. He's on record as saying that traditional marriage is fundamental to his understanding of the social contract, which puts him at odds with American values of progress, liberty, and equality.

Rule #2: A witch evokes very real memories of persecution and fear.

In many societies, including our own, gay people have been persecuted both for their feelings and their practices. In many societies, various forms of persecution are still a matter of policy today. So there are very real and terrifying memories to be evoked.

And Card has evoked them. In describing why Card shouldn't write for Superman, Noah Berlatsky drops the f-word (the one that ends with -ascism). Odds are that if a writer is being compared to the Nazis, that writer is a witch.

Rule #3: Even a drop of Satan's blood is enough to make someone a witch.

People who defend Orson Scott Card may point out that his work has important moral concerns or that he's a nice guy who gives to charity. They may try to ask for detailed definitions of  charged terms like "homophobe" and try to show nuance to Card's positions.

But critics aren't interested in those things. The vital points for critics are that Card has been an outspoken advocate of traditional marriage, is affiliated with a traditional marriage political organization, and has made comments that are dismissive of homosexual relationships relative to male-female marriages.

 They don't feel an obligation to figure out exactly where Card stands or what else he represents because his position on an issue like California's Proposition 8 shows clearly that he's tainted by an unashamed opposition to equality, tolerance, love, goodness, and the new American way. We've got at least a drop of Satan's blood here, possibly several pints. No matter what else he's done, the man is still a witch.

Rule #4: It is an act of virtue to expose and isolate a witch.

Thirteen years ago, my favorite magazine ran an article in which Donna Minkowitz reflected on her interview with Orson Scott Card. Though she longed to connect with the author despite their differences, Minkowitz frequently found any common ground they shared undermined by the drops of Satan-blood that make Card a witch under rule number #3.

But the most intriguing aspect of Minkowitz's article to me was her guilt over not blowing up at Card. She recalls ending the interview "with a sweetness that later makes me cringe" and rationalizes that  "it’s hard to speak in a sufficiently hostile way to the man who wrote [Ender's Game], even if he is a pig. (Although, if this ever happens again, I’ll try to find a way.)"

The Minkowitz article makes entirely clear that it would have been more righteous to shout curses at Card than to be nice. Why? Being nice to a witch shows weakness in the face of evil. You have to take a stand against witches by exposing and isolating them, or you become complicit in their witchcraft.

It is possible the 15,000 signatures on the petition to DC are all from die-hard Superman fans who are genuinely concerned about the next book. But I suspect they are from people who want to assert their commitment to a certain kind goodness by naming names and calling for punishment on the bad.

And if so many people are able to feel such virtue in condemning Card and such weakness when they give him a pass, the man is definitely a witch.

The Verdict

Orson Scott Card is a witch. But it's illegal to burn him.

With apologies to the activists at All Out, I'd like to suggest it's also passe to try to get him blacklisted or to call for boycotts on an unwritten book where he'll co-write a single chapter which will likely have nothing to do with the politics around sexual orientation anyway.  

I could give boring alternative recommendations. Engage him in debate. Pointedly ignore him. Support writers who give voice to the things you do care about. But if someone is a witch, none of those armchair alternatives are going to be satisfying.

After all, if it's illegal to kill a witch and tacky to try to get a witch fired by gathering an internet mob, what makes witch-hunting worthwhile? 

Saturday, February 16, 2013

My failed Laffy Taffy Application

I recently learned that Laffy Taffy was hiring a new assistant editor and immediately applied for the job. Unfortunately, they weren't impressed enough with my writing sample to make an offer (though they apparently were impressed enough to apply for a restraining order).

Since my Laffy Taffy jokes aren't likely to make it onto a wrapper anytime soon, I present them to the world via this blog. Questions first, answer below a picture of my consultants. No peeking!


1) Where did the Guernsey and her boyfriend make out?

2) What did Al Capone say to his mechanical pencil?

3) Which kind of furniture is always made of leather?

4) What did the alchemist say to his new gold-making machine?

5) What did the alchemist say the first time his heifer kicked him?

6) What did the alchemist say when his heifer kicked him again?





1) On the cowch!

2) "I'm gonna pump you full of lead!"

3) The cowch.

4) "I'm gonna pump you full of lead!"

5) "Cowch!"

6) "I'm gonna pump you full of lead!"

Monday, February 4, 2013

Belated Groundhog Day Greetings



So...it's been a long, long winter for the Goldberg family. And we just plain weren't prepared to send out a card by Christmas. Fortunately, my sister runs her own photo business and was happy to come up with a custom design that suited our needs.

Which I am now posting two days late...

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Goldberg Family: Top Five Songs of 2012


1. "Yeah! Hey! We are the Goldbergs!" by Kira and Elijah

What's not to love about a song where the title and the complete lyrics are identical? From the first time I heard Kira and Elijah singing this in the driveway, I knew it was a hit. And sure enough--it's topped charts in Papua New Guinea, Lesotho, and Andorra. Even the censored Saudi version, "Yeah! Hey! We are the ---!" has done quite well.

2. "Child of God" by Naomi W. Randall, adapted slightly by the Goldbergs

In addition to being Elijah's suggestion for Leif's name, "Child of God" has been Leif's favorite song for quite some time. Or at least: it's the one his brother and sister and father and mother sang to him regularly in the womb and through his hospital stay. This is also the #1 most requested Family Home Evening song in our house. The Goldberg family has made two changes to the standard text: Elijah has truncated the title from "I am a child of God" to "Child of God" for referencing ease, and James typically replaces the phrase "parents kind and dear" with the more fitting "parents kind of dear."



3. "Apple Cinnamon Cheerios" by James

This breakfast classic accidentally changed the eating habits of our children. It was the most requested song in the house through most of November, and was only recently supplanted by the somewhat more lyrically complex Apple Cinnamon Chex song ("When I wake up in the morning / hungry as an old T-Rex / what do I want to fill my belly? / Just my Apple Cinnamon Chex")

4. "Let Her Dance" by the Bobby Fuller Four

This song is so good, Wes Anderson let it into the greatest film of the new century--The Fantastic Mr. Fox. It doesn't matter whether Elijah is sitting on the couch, eating, or climbing up the side of a piece of furniture when this song comes on at the end of the movie: he will invariably get down and dance. And then ask where his bandit hat went.

5. "Red River Valley" as performed by Kira

Of all the songs Kira played on her guitar this year, this was the one most likely to get James to stop staring at a blank digital page on his computer to listen. If you have never heard an eight year old sing a wistful folk song while playing her three-quarters size guitar, you don't know what true brokenhearted beauty is. Just sayin'.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Monday Mood Quiz

Today I feel defeated:
a) in a thousand different tiny ways
b) utterly
c) by my own incompetence
d) by the universe

When I think of winter's return, I feel:
a) like crying
b) too tired to cry
c) like Kafka
d) cold to the bone, though I am sitting inside

My stomach feels like:
a) it has been run through a washing machine
b) it is currently being run through a washing machine
c) a badger is chewing on it
d) a cow is chewing on it with slow, grinding motions that will never end

 If I had a million dollars:
b) the very thought of spending it would exhaust me
a) someone would probably steal it
d) none of my problems would be solved anyway

If I were trying to finish something:

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Lapses of Attention -- A Review of James Goldberg's The Five Books of Jesus

by James Goldberg

Not long ago, I gave you (my dear readers), some advice on how to review The Five Books of Jesus without even having to read it. If you have not put one of the recommended glowing reviews up on Amazon yet, please do so before you read my actual review of this book.

Done? OK. Let's proceed.

The Five Books of Jesus by James Goldberg is one of the most engaging and sloppy books I have read in a long time--and not just because I read very few books.

Take the title itself. It's pretty clearly a play on the five books of Moses--and sure enough, this book is split into five "books:" "In the Beginning," "The Gathering," "And He Called," "Sinai," and "Words." Since "In the Beginning" is the Hebrew title of the Book of Genesis, it seems like everything matches. But if you actually go to check, you'll notice that the author only gets the first, third, and fifth books right.  The second book should be "Names," not "The Gathering," and the fourth should be "In the Desert," not "Sinai." Sloppy! What is he thinking?

Focusing on a few naming mistakes may sound nit-picky, but they're part of a larger pattern. Take the story where an apostle cuts off someone's ear and Jesus says that "Whoever lives by the sword will die by the sword." In the Gospel of John, that apostle is identified as Peter. But for some reason Goldberg identifies the chopper as James instead. Is this author just careless? Or actively crazy?

Take another example. After fleeing to the ten cities to avoid Herod, Jesus decides to send his twelve apostles back across the Jordan River into Galilee as missionaries--and miraculously, the waters of the river divide for them to cross. Miracles are common in stories about Jesus, of course, but Goldberg has the wrong miracle here--he seems to have confused Jesus with Joshua!

I could go on at some length, giving countless examples of the sloppiness in this book, from the 70 vs. 72 issue to the sudden absence of chapter numbers in Book Three. But I think you get the point.

This book has been called a "marred masterpiece," but it's mostly just a pile of mar. Whatever that means. Remember: just because an author is reasonably good-looking and has won a national award doesn't mean you should trust all his work.

(But, you know--buy the book anyway. The writer's kids are cute, and they deserve to have Christmas this year.)

Friday, November 16, 2012

Compound Aphorisms

...for your general enlightenment.

"Idleness makes the devil's heart grow fonder."

"An apple a day gets the worm."

"The early bird doesn't fall far from the tree."

"A bowl of cherries is like a box of chocolates."

"Cleanliness is next to a dog's new tricks."

"A sucker born is a penny earned."

"A penny saved is the devil's playground."

"Diamonds are a man's best castle."

"Absence is a girl's best friend."

"Like father, we fall."

"Life is like son."

"Slow and steady is a joy forever."

"A stitch in time wins the race."

"Birds of a feather bite the hand that feeds you."

"If at first you don't succeed, speak louder than words."
Related Posts with Thumbnails