How to Review My Book

I recently published my very first full-length book, and I imagine that you are dying to review it so that it will look more popular and prestigious so someone will want to give me a full time job so I don't have to sell my children to the Roma (which is the PC term for Gypsies) in a few years if their appetites keep increasing at the current rate.

But what if you don't know what to write? And what if, possibly, you also don't want to buy the book?

Never fear! I have prepared five review statements which are guaranteed to work without making you feel one itsy-bitsy bit sleazy for posting them today. In the next five minutes. On the immortal surface of Amazon's customer reviews page.

My suggested reviews are as follows: 

Option A:
"Brilliant! Beautiful! Life-changing! I can't wait to read it!"

Option B:
"If you like books by James Goldberg, you will love The Five Books of Jesus."

Option C:
"I am a pathological liar and I hate this book."

Option D:
"If there's one thing Santa Claus will want for Christmas, this is it. I mean, he already has pretty much everything else...right?"

Option E:
"One of the best books released by a Caucajewmexdian author in 2012. For realsies."

See? It's not so difficult at all. So if you can buy the book, great! But if not, you should at least review it.