That's right: as of today, I am a National Award Winning writer!
The national award is not, sadly, for any of my writing: but I am a writer, and I do have an award from a national competition now, so I'm going to start going by "national award winning writer James Goldberg."
I mean yes, "Best-looking James Goldberg in America" is a rather small competition, but it is a national one. And yes, I placed sixth. But they give me a certificate. Which is a kind of award.
Besides, sixth is actually quite good if you remember that the runner-up, James Franco, should technically have been disqualified. Also: I'm pretty sure the guy who placed fifth was sleeping with the judge (she was, after all, his wife).
So if you adjust for fraud and conflicts of interest, I'm actually the fourth best-looking James Goldberg in America. Which means that, in addition to a certificate, I should have won that $10 gift card to Applebee's.
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