Thursday, February 11, 2010

NOT FUNNY! And some death threats...

Recent events (i.e. the last post) on this blog are SO not funny, I can't even handle myself.

I was working on a Manifesto for today, but now I don't even feel like I can post it. You people wouldn't appreciate true wisdom if it walked in, took over some decadent hobo's blog, and slapped you in the face--which, as a matter of fact, it did.

I need the culprits. Now.

My current suspects are:

Kathy Cowley for having a poor aesthetic sense.
Man in Dark Glasses for looking shady.
Dadeckr for wishing he weren't the pansy (with poor grammar) that he is.
Vincent Van Gogh for being insane and a bad listener.

Over the course of the next week, we will send some new winter headgear (if you know what I mean) to one person on the suspects list until the culprit is eliminated. So suspects: if you are not guilty, find out how his and turn him/her in! Better yet: find James and bring him in, so we can end things properly.

As for the rest of you: don't get complacent. If the members of the current suspect list leave this world and disturbances continue, I will be more than happy to expand the scope of our investigations. If you know what's good for you, you will join the search for the culprit and the decadent ex-author, too.

I will leave up the hideous open letter post for the time being in case it or its comment section include clues leading to the culprit or to James.

Again: you have eight days. (Although, if you're on the suspects list, you may only have two...)


  1. I was so upset I forgot to include a picture. Loyal readers (e.g. Big Sister, Gretel) should please forgive me.

  2. Drona, please know that we approve not only of your potential violence, but also of the gender-equal way you refer to the culprit. While we shudder at the thought that one of our own sistren would stoop so low, that is always a possibility.

    Big Sister

  3. Question-- is this death list in order of who is going to die first? Or will it be a random drawing? (this may influence the choice that I make....)

  4. Drona, the suspect dadeckr has been provided for. He was discovered speaking out in response to the open letter.

    Please tender payment as per our agreement.

  5. I have found James in a place of Time Travel and Exile. I doubt, Drona, that you will ever find him there, seeing as your government had such problems in regards to fulfilling five year plans, which were dependent on a standard, forward-moving journey through time.

    Please answer my previous question to this post and make me an offer (perhaps an aesthetic one, since you've critiqued my online aesthetic sense). I would consider giving James up.

  6. [A man in a grey trench coat starts following Kathy Cowley.]

  7. I just attempted to hack into Drona's account to oust him from this blog. Unluckily, in so doing (by innocuously requesting a password reminder) I alerted Drona of my attempts. Out my window, I see men trudging through the snow, towards by Siberian house. I suspect I will die.

    -A non-as-techy-as I'd like to be, Goldberg supporter.

  8. We will never submit to your schemes, Drona! Kathy, don't give in!
    Emily, get it together, girl! Come see the light!

  9. Drona, I'm sorry to say that supporting you has become unpopular. So it's not that I don't like you, but that because of the terrible capitalist society in which I live, I must try to maintain my reputation. As such, I feel obligated to post anonymously.

    Being familiar with your true supporters, I find it necessary to warn you that due to the digital nature of the internet and the ease of constructing false, online profiles, and being both a reader and a writer (heaven forbid), there is a strong possibility that Grey Trench Coat is bluffing. He may not have even found dadeckr, who, rumor has it, has gone into hiding as well. And if he has found dadeckr, he may not have killed him--where's the physical proof???

    An even more disturbing possibility is that Grey Trench Coat is actually an alter ego for dadeckr. In this case, Grey Trench Coat may have said that he killed dadeckr just to protect himself so you would focus your efforts on other suspects, such as the aesthetically challenged Kathy (I can't believe that she dislikes this beautiful red!).

    I admit, I have no evidence of any of these things. Perhaps Grey Trench Coat is your supporter and did take care of dadeckr. But the seeds of doubt have been sowed in my mind.

    While I have not found the location of James, I can tell you where Grey Trench Coat has gone. He can be found on a blog called the Short List, located at

    I hope my loyalty and perceptiveness will endear me to you, if I ever have the blessing of meeting you in person.

    -An anonymous Drona supporter

  10. Unfortunately I can confirm the virtual death of dadeckr. His digital body was recovered and brought back to his blog at

    However, I thank you for revealing Grey Trench Coat's base of operations. He and I have a score to settle.

  11. Upon hearing of dadeckr's virtual death, I am greatly saddened. I have strengthened my resolve--I will continue to stand up against Drona! Dadeckr's martyrdom will not be in vain!

    I also am looking for a personal bodyguard. I visited the Grey Trench Coat website mentioned above, and not only am I on the short list, but so is my occupation, location, interests, favorite books, and favorite movies. I am afraid.

    We must overthrow Dona and his minions before more people get hurt!

  12. Kathy,

    Who said anything about getting hurt? If I appear to have done so, it was probably misinterpreted. I don't even know what your favorite movies are--why would I be trying to kill you?

    Things have gotten a little too heated lately. Let's just all be friends. Yes?


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